Motherhood, Children, and Opportunity Cost
We were in the woods. I stood beside my three-year-old, wearing an infant, listening for my older two kids as they ran through the woods with some friends. I waited as my three year old patiently turned over a rock to see if there were any bugs underneath. Behind me was a small amphitheater, wooden benches inhabited by other moms and kids. Children explored in the woods around us, seeking insects and unusual-shaped leaves. We were also hunting wildflowers, since, as I had shared with everyone before that, I was looking for new flowers to add to my wildflower identification guide. A couple moms I didn't know well had joined our group for the day. One of them had two young kids, the oldest probably three or four years old.
I was with my son, so I wasn't really participating in the conversation, but I could hear the other moms talking about things they wanted to do.
"I look forward to getting my life back," the mom of two said. She laughed a little, but she didn't sound like she was joking.
I wondered what she meant. I wondered what her kids would think, if they heard her. I wondered what she felt was missing in her life, and why kids were an impediment. What were her kids taking that she wanted back? Was "her life" simply envisioned as life without young kids in tow?
Don't get me wrong. I empathize. Life with young kids in tow isn't all sunshine and wildflowers. In that mother's lament, I heard her regret, and longing, and an expression of the frustration many mothers face.
As Carrie Gress wrote in her book The End of Woman, there's an inherent vulnerability in having children, being dependent on external support and also being the one your children entirely depend on. There's joy at the new life you create and sadness at loss of the old life you had. Selfish independence grows into selfless care but there's a cost. And many are frustrated by the costs, by the tradeoffs they must make, by the lost opportunities. Is it any wonder that some mothers question whether they have chosen correctly, traded the right things, if the opportunity cost was worth it?
In the book Hannah's Children, Catherine Pakaluk related interviews she performed with women who each had five or more children, which is about 5% of women. One common thread was the acknowledgement that after you have children, you change. There's no going back. But in many ways, you expand your capabilities. You die to your old self but your new self grows.
In some ways, it seems obvious: You are never going to be the same person you were before you had children, because no one is ever the same person they were last year, or ten years ago. We all change. Looking forward to "getting your life back" looks backwards at who you were and what you had then, not who you are becoming and what you have now. Part of the problem, I think, is women compare themselves to men. After having children, many men seem to have the same things they did before, the same careers and hobbies. Women see what they lose in comparison. They don't look at the sacrifices of their husbands, such as the second job, long hours, or long commutes that trade time with family for money to provide food and shelter. They also don't look at what they gain, that men don't and can't gain, such as the relationship mothers have with their children. They don't see motherhood as positively as they could.
"Danielle [one of the mothers interviewed] suggested that the narrative about losing your identity as a full-time mother may come from a culture that doesn't treasure motherhood as highly as other things. …. mothering isn't just a state of being—it's also a practice, with definite skills, habits, and expertise. Mothers who dedicate themselves to mothering can grow as mothers, in the virtues of motherhood. Danielle worried about the logic of seeing mothering as essentially unskilled labor…. that caregiving isn't worth dedicating your life to. In contrast, if mothering is more like one of the great pursuits of human life, like summiting a high peak, then the grueling practice and hardship of preparation would be undertaken with a view to the worthiness of the goal. It cost you something, but "the dividends are there too."" — Catherine Pakaluk, Hannah's Children, p187-188
(Read: The Best Reason to Have Children)
Opportunity costs
The women who choose to have more children, and those who look at what they gain as much or more than what they lose weigh their values differently. The opportunity cost is worth it for them.
"They ranked the next child more highly than the other things they could do with their time and resources. They embraced a scale of values in which something of tremendous worth was attached to having a child; that something was the kind of thing typically reckoned worth dying for: love for a beloved, love of God, love of eternal life, and the pursuit of happiness." —Catherine Pakaluk, Hannah's Children, p146
It's easy to see how many women choose otherwise. In America, we're set up from the outset to face big opportunity costs. We enjoy education, work, training, and so on. Taking time to have a child means missing out on those things, on social life and career steps, and other things they enjoy. Plus, as Pakaluk explains, children are what economists call "experience goods," which means you can't know in advance what the experience will be. It's hard to guess, in advance, what you're missing out on, because the value is in the experience, like with dining at a restaurant. You're weighing the known value of your present life against the unknown value of having a child. Since so many people come from smaller families and don't grow up around babies or young children, they don't even have the experience of how wonderful a younger sibling can be to inform their decision.
People tend to do what seems best given the other options, given what they value and what's possible with the hand they were dealt. No matter who you are or what you do or what you enjoy, you will always be choosing some activities over others. Some decisions are easier than others.
(Read: How Do You Do It? 5 Ways to Be Patient, Calm, and Improve Your Relationship With Your Children)
Mother, writer, artist?
Life evolves when you have children. But it doesn't mean leaving your hobbies and interests behind. Yes, you may have to adjust your expectations about how much can be accomplished, how quickly, and when, and with how many interruptions… but there are ways of making time for what you value.
We tend to ask how working at some paid vocation or working outside of the home affects one's parenting. For instance, many academic mothers have reported being better able to bring their best self to their work, because of being mothers. They wanted to show their kids what they could do, they wanted to share their passion with their kids, they wanted to work harder while at work because of their kids. Their kids were motivating. They also found that they were better researchers, often more productive during work hours, so they could finish things and then go home.
As one of the mothers interviewed by Catherine Pakaluk explained, you are more yourself when you do your things, too. You bring yourself into the relationship you have with your children—you, with all your interests, passions, and hobbies, in and out of the home. It's a common theme. Working a paid vocation makes many people better parents by giving them space to pursue interests and goals outside the home, enabling them to find parts of themselves in their work.
My bio on one of my social media pages lists, among other things, "Mother, writer, artist". But when I'm a homeschooling mother, educating my children and managing my household, how much writing and art am I actually doing?
There's no doubt: I would certainly be doing more if I didn't have kids, or if I didn't have as many kids, or if I outsourced the majority of their care and education. I would have more hours. Time is always the limiting factor.
But would the quality be as good? Would I be producing something I was as proud of? What would I gain from producing more—more money from more books? Perhaps I'd level up faster. Perhaps I'd produce a work of art that would be remembered in art history books. Perhaps I'd change someone's perspective or spark an emotion that would change the world. Perhaps not.
Catherine Pakaluk asked, in her interviews, not how working affected parenting, but the reverse: how does being a parent affect your character and your outward-facing work? The women she interviewed all argued that you become a better person and grow in virtue by having more kids. They talked about the gifts they gained, the development of other-centered virtues, coming to value people more than autonomy or individualism. They gained ideas, perspective, meaning. Perhaps my art and writing are better because of motherhood, because of my understanding of human experience.
(Read: How to Consciously Be A Role Model in Creativity, Curiosity, and Crafting for Children)
Besides, I'm the only mother my children have. There is no replacement. They will also be forces of change in the world. There's no knowing ahead of time what change or what good art or books or children will produce. So I make art, and I write, and I probably do less of both than I would if I weren't also homeschooling my kids. But my kids also make art. They enjoy my interests and I enjoy sharing my interests with them. We explore the world together. We learn together. We have different fun than I would without children, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Many women focus on what they lose by having children. Let's instead look at what we gain.
